numb....

I was numb.... but numb is a feeling right? It's that ongoing ever so annoying, kinda tingly kinda almost burning at times painful can't quite pin point but I just wanna shake you until you go away, feeling. ...numb.
I was numb.
I was numb about my urges for sex at such an early age.
Or was it sex? Or the longing for "sexy"
 I just wanted something. Anything would do. I was tall and some what manly, I think? No one ever directly told me anything like that but I just felt it.
I guess, my mom would sometimes tell me I was big or too big to wear that. She was always so slim and beautiful.
Or maybe it was the fact that I looked so much like my dad and his side of the family. Big and broad and BOLD.
I just knew I wanted to feel pretty. And feminine. and dainty. I had never felt dainty?!?!
My voice was loud and it carried and it was deep. I didn't care for make up and girl stuff. I had no correlation to those things. My brothers were all I had to relate to peer wise.
I was lost. I was surely losing any and all esteem that had been instilled from those kiddie I love yous and the your more precious than golds,  Those princesses were slipping off me as fast as my clothes would be soon, and just to hear a reup of confidence.
Confidence from a false prophet, or 2.... hell maybe a few!
those praises had come and gone in the wind some what like bathing, and motivation. They needed a refresher, yet No one was there to refresh me???
I began to pour myself into the world, just hoping to find that essence of pretty or that simple smile, of almost unworthiness, but knowing it's sincerity letting it crack through.
I just wanted to feel whole again.
I just wanted to feel loved.
I was lying on my bed in my grandparents house, he promised me the world. The world... The whole world, as he got up and refreshed himself, Im sure the needle there on the sink waiting, from the freshing up my dad just had. As I heard the connecting door close from the other side of the bathroom... right after he had made all his worries go away, he returned to kiss on my no more than 13 year old face and explain how when I'm of age we can run off and get married.
Yeah this was the dream a 27 year old bull rider that shared my father's hobbies was selling me as he made me feel like a princess.
See Idk why I was ok with those things. I had no idea. I know now that I was just desperate and so alone, I'd do just about anything to figure out why I felt so empty. My dad didn't know that cowboy and I kissed sometimes, had he known he would have killed him.
...But, had he cared wouldn't he have known?
 I was such a confused little girl. I didn't know what love looked like. Or even felt like I just knew I wanted it. I wanted it soo bad.
I remember the look on their faces when that needle went into their arm, I always knew I would NEVER do that. But I also knew, that look on their faces, that utter desperation to tie off that arm, and then that look...
I wanted that look!!!! I wanted it sooooo bad!!!!
I searched high and low for that fix.
That fix of nothing else in the world mattered, special, loved, important,  whole, affirmed, beautiful, wanted, and it, Never.... came!
I'm, still as desperately as those junkies tieing off, searching. And it also is sabotaging me!!! It's killing me inside and and controlling my life just as those drugs in their veins did theirs. Addiction does not discriminate, nor does drug of choice have anything to do with choice!
 My search has continually hurt people who love me. I'm Un lovable. I'm absolutely un lovable and unable to be pleased this way!
I hate Satan for this. I hate him for what he's done to my parents and their parents. To my mother that makes it impossible for to have been the loving and open mother a little girl needed. I hate him for stealing my daddy; my first prince charming! I hate him for lurking and preying upon our hearts!
We as women in our weakest states can do the most destruction to ourselves.
God is our only hope in winning these battles and I have faith in this statement.
He does redeem!
In those darkest hours though I don't know what that looks like. As a 29 year old women I still crawl upon the floor and scratch toward those affirmations, I still pry for that attention.
I just want to be beautiful, I just want to be loved.
I feel as if at any moment Im going to drop from the ceiling screaming out, I came in like a wrecking ball.
My self esteem and self worth truly on days can be a wretched wreck!!!! ...And sadly those days aren't predictable. You'd think after all these years I'd see the pattern and sometimes I do. ...then I just go in, I start searching and seeking and it's never enough.
I never feel pretty enough!
I never feel wanted, enough.
I never feel smart enough.
Or sexy enough or sought after enough.
I don't ever feel full... full enough.
It's never, never, enough.
Then it hits me. It will never be, enough.
Not making excuses. Or covering things up, yes my childhood left me scarred! I will forever wear those wounds in some form, but they do not have to define me and I know this.
I know God is my refinery and I know He is working on me, because I am desperate!!!!
...but why don't I feel Him? I don't know. And that's the part that hurts. My faith says no doubt He's with me and He's working all things for my good. But I'm still, still just crying,
and wanting,
and longing,
and searching,
and prodding,
and hoping,
and begging,
and pleading,
and dying inside. I just want to FEEL, enough...........